Spammers, how to get me to read your emails

Dear Spammers and Scammers: You are all morons!!! If you really want someone to read and believe your sob story and millions of funds are legit, you have to write your emails according to proper conventions. Geeeezzzzzz. You give yourselves away too easily.

Why must you make up stupid names like "David John" or "John Davids"? How many people have the last name "John"? Tacking an "s" on the end of a name doesn't automatically make it a last name either. Or sometimes there's something like "Mary Goodness" or "Teresa Sincerity." Argh! Stop using fake last names that are supposed to tug at our Christian heartstrings! It just screams SCAM!

Also, seriously, no one uses the name "Mr.John Smith" or Mrs, Miss, etc in the names that show up in the Inbox. NO ONE DOES THIS except you. It doesn't make your email look more legit or more formal. And there is always a space after a freaking punctuation mark.

OK next thing, subject line. Don't use your fake name as your subject. Do not write "From Mr.John Smith" as the subject. This is redundant information, that's why no one does it! Automatic deletion!

Why one earth do you even bother sending an email that starts "Dear,"? "Dear" followed by comma, that is just not the way you write a letter. If you don't even have time to write my name, why should I believe that you really need me and only me to help transfer your billion dollars? And don't even get me started on "Dear Sir,". If you get me to take a peek into your email just to make sure it's not spam, the "Dear Sir" is a deal breaker in getting me to continue reading. I'm not a Sir. Sorry to disappoint.