clinging.

Finally did something I've been meaning to do... started listening to live streaming of Chicago's 101.9FM (The Mix). I feel so much better. I've been deprived of mainstream American radio. The only thing I don't miss is Nickelback. Even the fertility clinic ads make me feel warm and fuzzy. And I don't hate Rihanna anymore. Well, except "Stop the Music," which they just started playing when I typed "I don't hate Rihanna anymore."

EDITED TO ADD:

But in a way it makes me feel worse.

There's this thing I can't really explain. When I look at the ocean or buildings faraway I get this weird feeling like the world is small but big but small but big, etc., and I can't figure out whether it's big or small. Like when I was watching 9/11 on TV in Hong Kong occurring live at night around 8pm, I looked out the window and it was totally surreal that this was happening RIGHT NOW somewhere in the world, but yet I am right here sitting here and outside my window everything looks normal and it's nighttime, and I just got this feeling like the world is so small but big, like I could feel NY right outside my window even though it was really far away. Like when I listen to Chicago radio here and I look out the window, it's the weirdest feeling, like half of me feels like Chicago and half feels like HK, sorta like it's all just one big freakin thing all squeezed together. And it makes me feel happy but sad. Know what I mean?

Once more, with feeling

In the midst of contending with this:

I made this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZG3e75M1SgQ

"Hurt" redux... aka "some Asian girl singing Christina"... so it's been a year since I first recorded and deleted Hurt... it's a lot better this time around. The camera keeps auto-focusing and it's constantly fuzzy ha. But I guess it's still me trying to sing something I can't actually sing. I just like singing this song. I keep trying to come up with something happier to record but just hmm can't.

So, like,

someone requested i model the H&M butterfly barrettes, and here's one where you can't see my face, and yup I have bangs now, just cut 'em on Sunday. I got my hair cut two weeks ago (before I made the vids, so that's my haircut in the vids) and the guy screwed it up after I specifically said, don't layer the front and top too short because then I get mad flyaways, and guess what he did?? He layered the front so much that some pieces were short enough to be bangs, so I decided to just cut bangs at another place. My husband says I went from looking 19 to looking 17.

OOh, I made a cool pic of meself here. I dunno, I just turned up the contrast, turned down the brightness, and now it's all artistical [sic]. See my hair? It's like fine-gauge wire. Clipped my bangs back but can only see the rhinestones on the butterfly here.

other things i want

Side note, as expected, got a rejection email from Beauty and the Beast last week.

Auditioned for the opera chorus here last night. Another interesting experience. I was hella nervous in the waiting room and tried to slow my heartbeat like a good girl. Still walked into the audition room with wobbly knees. But you know what, nerves don't do their evil thing to me anymore. All I need is good supported breath I can rely on, as taught to me by a voice teacher a few weeks ago, and omg it works. There were three parts to the audition: 1) a prepared opera aria of your choice, 2) vocalization to test range (arpeggios), 3) sight-singing. The way the three parts went were 1) decent, 2) awesome, 3) sucked ass. The accompanist was obviously inexperienced and couldn't play my piece at all but I kept singing. Proceeded to blow 'em away with my F# above high C. And the sight-singing was murder but I think they were toying with me, seriously. There were various pieces they chose from on the spot. I think it was some kind of joke, like "let's give the soprano this super hard impossible one and see what she does." But afterward I was asked to be measured, meaning I am at least being considered.

Then spotted this surreal Chinese farm-scene painting. Aww, good donkeys.

stuff i want but can do without (but still want)

I finished "In the Lake of the Woods," which turned out to be ingenius, the way he could switch elegantly between present and past, truth and conjecture. But all in all, the subject matter just wasn't appealing to me personally. I mean really, I really cannot read another book about the Vietnam War. Or anything TOO dark. Ooh and I tried finishing "Bel Canto," which I found "horrible," but I still wanted to know what was going to happen and gave it another 40 pages, but then it was still horrible, like unbearable, so I'm stopping for real. Right now I'm reading this non-fic book called "Warped Passages: Unraveling the Mysteries of the Universe's Hidden Dimensions," which is about quantum physics, I guess. It's supposed to be easy for your average Joe to understand, and written in a kind of relaxed conversational style (which I find a bit... annoying?). So far, I have no better understanding of the universe's hidden dimensions than I did before I started it. But then, I just started.

OK, can we talk about how much I love H&M? I like it tons better than, for example, Zara, Mango, Forever 21, Gap, Express. They have really nice everything. I was really coveting these butterfly barrettes (in black) that were only HK$30. (I took a pic to mull it over.) I ended up getting them a few days later along with other hair stuff. And I don't just mean I like their hair stuff. They were the only place I could find a good interview outfit, and their stuff is so cheap it doesn't turn into a big dilemma, but still lots of good-quality stuff.

Another thing I'm obsessed with are these classic bird tattoo enamel necklaces with rhinestone eyes I saw at one of those consignment stores in Causeway Bay. OMG. I love classic bird tattoos (and all other tattoo-related things!). These were only HK$78. Why don't I just buy 'em, you ask? As with the barrettes... I just have so much junk. I have SO much hair stuff that I don't wear. I have SO much jewelry that I don't wear. I dunno. I'm on a consumerism fast or something. I just want to be free of objects. Organization puts me in a good mood. All my stuff is arriving from overseas tomorrow (took 2 months!), and I'm not kidding, 1/4 of it is going to donations.

At the same consignment store: these t-shirts that phonetically teach you snide Cantonese idioms with a classic Dick-and-Jane kind of illustration. Aw, cute! Such as "Sik siu siu, ban doi biu," with the explanation of "knowing only a little but pretending to be an expert" (roughly). The black ones are actually printed in gold, which I love. I love t-shirts printed in metallics. But then again I would not wear this t-shirt. I would prefer the print to be on other items, like a mug or poster or something. Because I would not consider this print "fashionable," more like hilarious.

“It’s human nature. We are fascinated, all of us, by the implacable otherness of others. And we wish to penetrate by hypothesis, by daydream, by scientific investigation those leaden walls that encase the human spirit, that define it and guard it and hold it forever inaccessible. (‘I love you,’ someone says, and instantly we begin to wonder—‘Well, how much?’—and when the answer comes—‘With my whole heart’—we then wonder about the wholeness of a fickle heart.) Our lovers, our husbands, our wives, our fathers, our gods—they are all beyond us.”

--Tim O'Brien, In the Lake of the Woods

"This is a list of what I should have been but I'm not"

Couldn't sleep last night. Read until about 1:30AM then just lied there. Lied there staring, thinking, tossing, turning, sometimes writhing.

Sat up around 3:20. Then heard a wave of yelling as in a crowd. And I am on the 43rd floor. Odd. Then it occurred to me that it must be that Manchester-United v. Chelsea game. Actually got up and turned on the TV to see if I could watch along with the millions. Nope, don't get the game, but there's a bar downstairs so I guess that's where people were watching.

I think it's bird mating season. They are chasing.

Song in my head... from Counting Crows new album... the following lyrics:

And I know I could look at anyone but you now
I could fall into the eyes of anyone but you now
So come on, come on, come on, oh come on through now

This is a list of what I should have been but I'm not
This is a list of the things that I should have seen
But I'm not seeing the look in your eyes

"never work with kids or animals"

Guess I decided to sing stuff I actually can sing. If you can take your eyes off Korben... this is Jewel's "Absence of Fear."

"strange but special"

Hmm so the first public video I've made in forever. It's what I auditioned with for B&B ("Home"), except of course they didn't let me finish it. I'd've done it standing up and everything but there wasn't a single place for my camera except the patio table my computer's on. Um you know what's weird? All the videos on YouTube with people singing in the bathroom, because of the acoustics. I mean I'd find it pretty embarrassing to have videos shot in the bathroom. Since my apartment is almost empty (hardly any furniture yet) and non-carpeted, the sound bounces off everything, so no taping in the bathroom for me. Belle sings this song to herself after the Beast has forced her to stay in the castle with him. It's a sad song, but Belle's a fighter. The lyrics are... somewhat appropriate.

I'll say it: I don't suck in this video (but could be better--I especially dislike the beginning).



Happy birthday Tim, the person who actually makes mp3 files out of my super crappalicious videos to listen to them.

Some pics from my phone that I finally uploaded...

My favorite thing I saw at the Art Fair yesterday. An embroidery by these two people. It's like a child-eating flower-dragon with chicken tentacles attacking a miniature Japanese plant village, cranes and petals flying everywhere. I loved everything they did, super detailed and whimsical and technically amazing....

The view from our new (rental) apartment:

Some pre-dragon boat day event last weekend in Stanley:

Korben, looking too-cool-for-pictures and annoyed at his human:

Me, pretending to be just your average normal person!:

As far as fashion policing goes... this is SUCH a no-no (and I am referring to the guy in a blue low-cut sweater):

a little bit on writing

I started reading "Bel Canto" by Ann Patchett, which according to the cover won the Pen/Faulkner Award. Which baffles me. I read 120 pages and I could turn to any page and it would be horrible. I haven't felt this way about professional writing since "Memoirs of a Geisha" (garbage!). The characters' backgrounds are nonsensical, the plot details are FAKE. Not cliches, no no, just entirely unrealistic in the characters' thoughts, uncooperative metaphors and descriptions. For example:

"Gen and Roxane each imagined the accompanist going home, as in sitting up in a seat by the window of a plane, looking out at the clouds that pooled over the host country."

Now what's wrong with this sentence? Two characters each imagining the exact same thing? (The accompanist was not getting on a plane, by the way, he died in front of them.) And clouds that "pooled"? How terrible a description is that? Clouds don't pool. Also the bit about the clouds is superfluous. It does not add anything (except maybe confusion as we try to imagine clouds pooling, and wonder why two characters would both happen to imagine pooling clouds).

Versus... a different book I started reading instead, much better, called "In the Lake of the Woods" by Tim O'Brien:

"For a time Kathy stood gazing at the night sky. It surprised her to see a nearly full moon, a stack of fast-moving clouds passing northward."

See? Can't you just see those clouds in the night sky "moving" fast and "passing" by? And how they are in stacks?! YES. And can't you just see how she could be surprised by a nearly full moon? Because it is kind of thrilling to behold. And haven't you ever stood gazing at the night sky? Everyone knows what that's like. See how it's done?

See the difference between good and bad writing? Doesn't have to be ornate or provocative, just simple and true. The best authors tap into something profound about human nature and human thought.

I have a new resolution to read the entire newspaper everyday now, except the sports section. I don't think I need to know sports details. And the business section is murder to get through for me (snooze), but living in HK one better know business.

Interesting article from Tues:

"A green group is organising tours along bustling Nathan Road to expose what it says is the city's abuse of, and obsession with, lighting. The tours aim to challenge the common perception that the colourful neon signs and commercial lights are a sign of prosperity and affluence. It is part of the group's campaign against light pollution in Hong Kong."

It goes on about the use of spotlights on buildings and ads, and how it's illegal in some cities. Maybe they can do a tour of buildings with the coldest AC too, since I believe that is an equally wasteful (and uncomfortable) sign of prosperity.

And yes, the whole Myanmar sitch doesn't so much make my blood boil as it makes me die a little from the lack of humanity. The degree to which people can lack empathy for their own people is baffling.

Two pics I took a few weeks ago when I first moved to HK.

Vending machine for books in the train station:


No Straw Day at McDonald's, the second and fourth Monday of each month:

obsessing over auditions again

Auditioned for Beauty and the Beast yesterday, which was a very interesting experience. When I first found out about the auditions a few days ago, I had zero expectations, because the Belle part (the only young female part worth anything) isn't even in my vocal range. Really, I didn't think I'd care. I'd just do it for kicks. But I learned and memorized her song obsessively, and started to think, You know what I can actually sing the shit out of this thing. A terrible thought, as I started to want it just a little. Then I get to the audition and find out 128 people signed up to audition. Whaa? That's a lot. I knew turnout was going to be high since this is Beauty and the freakin Beast, but darn my Belle dreams were dashed. I would guess I am going up against maybe 60 people for the one Belle part, if you factor in the people who are guys, the older women, and girls who auditioned for chorus only. Factor in cronyism (that wretched foe!), and that's that.

It was a group audition with 8 people per group (I think). There were 4 young females in my group, and all four of us prepared the same song (called "Home," which was written for Disney's stage version of the musical). Thing is... they cut each of us off after the first part of the song. Technically, the song has an intro section (what might be called a "recitative" in opera), then a first part, then a second part. The second part contains all the fireworks and fits my voice well. Two girls went before me and got cut off after the first part. I went up and asked the pianist if I could start at the first part and go a little into the second part also. He said okay and we did just that. I got cut off (grrr) after just a few lines into the second part but made the most of it. ALL NIGHT last night I was freakin PISSED AT HOW STUPID I AM. I should've just said, Can I do only the second part. (!!!) OMG I'm not kidding my lack of (or not-good-enough) strategy or slow thinking might've killed my Belle dreams. That's the story of my life, not thinking fast enough. But of course, now I want it so bad, you know just to be Belle, just to prove something, to have something, to sing. I was running on so much adrenaline after the audition all my energy could've powered small machinery, I couldn't sleep thinking about my stupidity, etc., just hate how much I want this. Like a job interview that leaves you really wanting the job.

Thing I've always loved to do: watch the ocean waves, thinking each foamy lap might contain something magnificent; watch these birds swoop! Black kites. I can never get bored of them. They fly high, above high rises, never need to flap, just free. A most wild wildlife in the city. Sometimes when they're circling low above the water, just keep watching, and they'll do a sudden spin dive to catch something.

That I Would Be Good

Drama galore around these parts. For one, V.Li is back in London for a long spell. The circumstances were sucky and weird. Wish she could've stayed, not just for my personal enjoyment but also wish things were better for her.

Last week I got a job I wanted but turned it down because it's far plus has really bad hours (and I mean 10-hr shifts that end at midnight type of thing). And outrageously bad pay and other reasons that aren't exactly deciding factors but all contributed to my decision. I wouldn't mind either far commute or really bad hours separately, but traveling far in the middle of the night is really unappealing/scary/sad. I dunno. I think I would like that job, so boo. Although Tim had an interesting idea. I could take the job and put everything I earn into a charity fund. That might balance out the crappiness of it all, in a suffering-for-the-disenfranchised kinda way.

And I feel super lame because I don't know what I want to do, have no set goals, no projects, nothing to look forward to, and just feel like dead weight or something, eyes all glazed over, and "too" skinny (according to the masses), and just feel like time is of the essence but I'm not using it properly--note to self, life is not a dress rehearsal.... On the other hand, I am totally having an existential crisis. Everything means nothing. Why do anything? Why have anything? Why love/hate? Why dress up for stupid horse races? Have a career only to retire all old? Sleep without dreaming? Why listen to music if you can't drown in it? Why try? Why babies? They'll grow up to have existential crises, and whose fault would THAT be?


I Heart Huckabees, a movie close to my chaos...

If you're 15 and reading this,

what they say is true, there's never a wish better than this. I know, again a post about my Peter Pan Syndrome. I can't help it. Don't wanna be 27 today.

(That little bit in "100 years" by Five for Fighting)

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

15, there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15, I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live