I am not depressed, I know. Because I read about clinical depression and take those tests and only answer "yes" for 2 out of the 10 questions. I haven't lost my appetite or weight and don't have strange sleeping patterns, and I don't cry spontaneously. But I am like a ball of emotion and the tiniest sad news or touching story tips my emotional scale. I used to cry every time I saw this one AT&T ad on TV about 5 yrs ago. I don't remember the exact copy anymore, one of the lines was "Why do we go to faraway places and look for familiar faces?" It was overall about our desire to be in touch with people while still having the freedom to leave them... and I am pathetic. I also cry every time I watch a non-celebrity episode of Oprah, like full-on bawling. I cry at some point of every movie, comedy, action--as long as there's a sentimental moment in there, I'm crying. ("You've got mail": the 2 scenes about her mom. "Con Air": the last scene with "How do I Live" in the background.) I am especially sad at night. Most nights, I can't even remember what it's like to be happy. But the next day I wake up and go outside and see the blue sky and breathe the fresh cold air and can't remember what it's like to be sad.
Anyway, when I'm sad at night, I would think about that film "Broadcast News," how Holly Hunter has a good cry all alone every night, just to let out all the stress from the day, in what might be considered a healthy way. But it's really sad when you think about it. Then I don't feel so bad, because I think, if Holly Hunter's character feels the way I do, then I'm not alone. My mom rented "Broadcast News" for me when I was interning at CNN. I would often refer to it when talking to people during high school, and they would look at me weird because they think I am talking about some obscure movie that no one's heard of. But that movie had major Oscar nominations, is referred to a LOT in other films, on TV (like in this week's episode of "Las Vegas"--concerning the sweaty palms), and in magazines, etc., but it seems like no one in the real world who's my age has heard of it!? Has anyone else noticed that?
So back to the question Am I depressed? No, but then what am I? Am I just extremely emotional? Yes, probably. Extremely emotional + pessimistic = sad. Makes sense.
1 comment:
Dear Vanessa,
You know, having finally your blog to read and being inside VKo's beautiful head a little bit more has given me one more thing to look forward to every morning.
And it was poignant to read this post. I think we have the strangest of friendships because I never see you but I feel I still know the basic core of your being because we were such close friends as kids and that will always form part of our collective memory. It was poignant for me to read this because unlike you, I clearly WAS depressed throughout my teens, and it just seems like all the times I have been truly happy in my life (so far), were the times when VKo was around.
That sounds a bit over-sentimental, and maybe it is. But now that I see things in a very different light (from when I was say 16 or 18), I don't get torn by it. We're conditioned to believe that we're supposed to be 24/7 happy in this world, but how can anyone who just watches the news for five minutes a day ever hold such a belief? And I don't think optimism for the sake of being optimistic holds water either. No one is ever optimistic for long when it’s based on nothing.
Not that I'm not a sage or cleverer or more sophisticated in thinking than other people. But there’s a quote, I feel, that captures how perhaps we all feel at various moments... it's by the theologian G K Chesterton. He said: "I was told I was in the right place [Earth], and I had still felt depressed. But I had heard that I was in the wrong place, and my soul sang for joy". I don’t know if you’ve ever felt the same way, but I hope it helps you too.
Love, Vanessa
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